Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler (for my hubby :))

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season andThe wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours byThe window watching the huge soft flakes drift downFrom heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snowcovering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place inThe whole world? Moving here was the best idea I'veever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like aboy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I gotto shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such adisappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow onChristmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such A nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. TheTemperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed Up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is The life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wantsA wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I thinkthat's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice inThe driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. Thewife laughed for an hour, which I think was verycruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to goanywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had topile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do butstare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess Ishould've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it toher. God, I hate it when she's right. I can't believeI'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches ofThe white stuff last night. More shoveling! Took allday. The snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they saidthey're too busy playing hockey. I think they'relying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have Another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob Says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more Inches of snow fell today, and it's so cold,It probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes To get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried tohire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest ofthe winter, but he says he's too busy. I think theasshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house This morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? Shesays she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I brokethe shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If Iever catch the asshole who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his b***s andbeat him to death with my broken shovel. I know hehides around the corner and waits for me to finishshoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25

Merry freaking Christmas! 20 more inches of the white slop tonight - Snowed in The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? Itwas all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, heonly charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof orit could cave in. That's the silliest thing I everheard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove thebroken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother.Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No moreshoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pillsthey keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?